Meg's Neg

A little while back a woman who I've known since we were very young told me that she "could always tell I didn't care what people thought about me". I chuckled (as I tend to do) as we had a very interesting conversation about whether or not that was as positive a comment as she (may or may not have) intended it to be. I'm not sure we ever exactly agreed on that point but I did convince her of one thing: her statement was only half true.

While it is true that I've never been especially interested in popularity or particularly afraid of making a fool of myself, the idea that I'm indifferent to how people feel about me slightly oversteps the boundaries of my true ideals. For some reason that I haven't quite put my finger on, I'm incredibly opposed to doing things that might rub someone the wrong way. As above, this seems like it could be quite the fine personality trait, but in reality, it's pretty much just socially debilitating. This is way beyond being polite; this is like an addiction. I can't interact with a human being I don't know without getting my fix of social awkwardness.

I think the heart of the problem is that I do know I'm a little weird; I don't however know where the boundary lies for what is and isn't socially acceptable and I'm so adverse to crossing that line that I frequently ,won't even approach it. I wouldn't feel so bad about this habit... Well, honestly, I don't really feel bad about this habit, but it certainly isn't helping me achieve the other goals that are important to me. It's way too easy for me to put myself out and way to hard for me not to less of a... well... you get the picture. People keep telling me that people aren't as easily offended as I'm prone to thinking they are, but more importantly, given my infallible charm, if someone is offended, that's probably more their problem than it is mine.
It may not be the most noble goal I've ever had, but for the rest of the year I'm gonna work on being more of a... well, you know. It's ok though, this is only day 9,864, I've still got 363 days to go.

Maybe (i.e. no)

I had an epiphany last night. Standing around in the club with just four friends, one of whom I suspect had ulterior motives for coming out, I realized that one of two things must be true: either the average person sees friendship much differently than I do, or I don't have nearly as many friends as I thought I had.

Wait, don't throw your computers away yet, I promise this isn't going to be one of those blogs.

For some reason, I'm less sure of this epiphany than I was last night, but, at the time, I got a pretty good chuckle at the idea that "I'm living on a different planet than everyone else" (which, i suppose, would quite sufficiently explain why no one came to my birthday party).

In all seriousness though, having only 4 people (that's the last one, I promise) come to my birthday party put a big exclamation point at the end of an internal dialogue I've been having for a while now. It's come to my attention that I value friendships... let's just say differently... than a lot of people I know.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I didn't expect to take over the club on a Wednesday night, and I can't really blame any nine-to-fivers who decided that ten was too late, but if it were me and all you wanted for your birthday was for me to come by a bar and say hey, I'd at least show my face long enough to buy you a drink. I mean, depending, of course, on how much I like you.

I know I'm getting older, and I know people's priorities change with time, but I sure do miss my great friendships. I miss my Friday lunches and my quality time. I miss my Get You Out Of A Jam sessions. I miss having friends who'll be there for you, even if it's inconvenient, just because they know it'll put a smile on your face.

But enough of that, I already promised that this wasn't going to be one of those blogs.

Over the last few years I've done more than my fair share to alienate a lot of people, but this year's going to be different. My friendships have always been very important to me and this year I'm going to stop neglecting them. One of my goals for this year is create, find, or rebuild the great friendships that I've been missing. It's going to take a reinvestment of my time and energy, and a conscious effort to meet new people (which I've never given before), but I'm going to find my quality time, and quality friends to spend it with. My twenty-eighth birthday outing is going to be a happy one, even if it is on a Thursday night.

I noticed a few other things about myself while on that dance floor last night, but those are different stories for different days. Today is day 9,863. I still have 364 days to go.

9,862

When I wake up about six hours from now, I'll begin celebrating my nine thousand eight hundred sixty second day on Earth. If you're willing to assume that I was born here, and you're really good with math, calendars or at least the internet you probably already know that when I wake up it'll be my twenty seventh birthday.

As I'm prone to doing in early July, I've spent the last few days reflecting on the previous three hundred sixty or so and I've gotta say, they haven't gone particularly well. Nor have the three hundred sixty before that... nor the three hundred sixty before that... nor... well... you get the point.

Needless to say, this is a pattern that I'm very interested in changing. The point of this log is to turn my interest into an investment. This is a place for me (and my friends) to see my progress, cheer me on and hold me accountable.

While many of my exact goals haven't been formulated, what I want to achieve between now and day ten thousand two hundred twenty seven is conceptually very simple: grow, learn and be productive every day, no exceptions and no excuses. Sounds easy enough, right?

Well. If it was easy, I probably wouldn't have to do anything like this to make it actually happen.

I do have a few ideas where to start, but those are different stories for different days. This is day 9,862. I still have 365 days to go.