A little while back a woman who I've known since we were very young told me that she "could always tell I didn't care what people thought about me". I chuckled (as I tend to do) as we had a very interesting conversation about whether or not that was as positive a comment as she (may or may not have) intended it to be. I'm not sure we ever exactly agreed on that point but I did convince her of one thing: her statement was only half true.
While it is true that I've never been especially interested in popularity or particularly afraid of making a fool of myself, the idea that I'm indifferent to how people feel about me slightly oversteps the boundaries of my true ideals. For some reason that I haven't quite put my finger on, I'm incredibly opposed to doing things that might rub someone the wrong way. As above, this seems like it could be quite the fine personality trait, but in reality, it's pretty much just socially debilitating. This is way beyond being polite; this is like an addiction. I can't interact with a human being I don't know without getting my fix of social awkwardness.
I think the heart of the problem is that I do know I'm a little weird; I don't however know where the boundary lies for what is and isn't socially acceptable and I'm so adverse to crossing that line that I frequently ,won't even approach it. I wouldn't feel so bad about this habit... Well, honestly, I don't really feel bad about this habit, but it certainly isn't helping me achieve the other goals that are important to me. It's way too easy for me to put myself out and way to hard for me not to less of a... well... you get the picture. People keep telling me that people aren't as easily offended as I'm prone to thinking they are, but more importantly, given my infallible charm, if someone is offended, that's probably more their problem than it is mine.
It may not be the most noble goal I've ever had, but for the rest of the year I'm gonna work on being more of a... well, you know. It's ok though, this is only day 9,864, I've still got 363 days to go.
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